Okay,
So, I haven't blogged in a long time, and I don't really know why I am right now. I will give a brief overview, but first, let me just blow off some steam:
I am vegan. That means that I do not eat, wear, or use anything that comes from an animal. And while all people are fallible, I try my utmost to adhere to this 100%. No, I don't want to be invited to your BBQ. No, I don't want to try your fucking meat and cheese dish. Yes, the fucking meat you are eating is what is depleting the rain forest. No, I don't want to answer your asinine questions. No, I don't think your jokes are fucking funny. No, I don't want to have a debate with you about it. And no, I don't really give a flying fuck what you think about it, or any dumb ass logic as to why you aren't vegan. Oh, and one more thing, fuck off and die jack ass welfareists.
Okay, now I feel a little better. And yes, I have needed to get that out for quite some time now. If you are vegan, and feel like responding, great. If you are not vegan and feel like responding, DON'T FUCKIN' THINK ABOUT IT! There are plenty of proper venues for that type of very necessary dialog, my personal blog not being one of them.
So,
If you could not tell, I am not doing so hot. Yes, I have serious depression problems. And while no, I don't at all mind be open about that, I am not trying to wear it on my sleeve for attention or as an excuse. I'm trying to go on medication, but right now I have not been able to work that out. It's hard since five years ago I didn't really believe in that type of thing, not to mention the above sentence pitted against the above rant. But I'm at the end of my rope, and fear for my ability to function.
As usual, my life has been more like a crowbar to the face than a hug. After my trip, I have no money, still. More so, sometimes I have less than no money. This was not due to me negligently taking a trip I could not afford, but more the typical events of random phone breakage, bike breakage, medical emergencies, and other bad streaks that typically pop up in my life when I least need them to. So, now, even with the insurance I can't afford, I am STILL getting medical bills I can't pay, for what the insurance didn't cover. While also paying for the insurance itself, which I have no money for (which incidentally, for the time being, neither covers dental work I desperately need to get done, nor specialists for my "pre-existing" Crohn's, which I very much need to get checked out, and which is why I have the damned insurance in the first place). I have an ever increasing phone bill I don't know how to pay. And in the meantime I just keep writing rent and utilities checks for money that has long since floated away into the ether.
This is bad enough, however, I still plan to move to San Francisco in October. I just have no idea how on earth I am going to do that financially. And even worse, I fear that if I can't get my depression in check, (which, yes, I also don't know how I am going to afford. (AMERICA! WHAT A COUNTRY!)), I will simply not have my faculties together to take such a drastic step. However, I feel like if I don't move now, I will crumble under the thought of such a daunting task, and stay in DC where my life will continue to devolve.
I will say, that I am working on a movie right now, and this is the only thing I have keeping my sanity holding by it's thin strand. Regardless of my feelings about film acting, it has been a thousand fold more rewarding that impalement of the theatre projects I've lost permanent time from my life to. Even when it gets stressful, we all are working together towards the common good of the project. There are definitely people I should never have a personal conversation with working on this with me, but it doesn't matter. Just getting along under the spirit of the film is enough. And the craziest part is that's it's film, and so I have no idea how on earth it's going to turn out. Part of me doesn't even care, but most of me just trusts the level of quality exemplified by everyone.
On the flipside, when I am not working on the film, I am most certainly not doing well. Everything in my life feels overwhelming, and, very much including myself, unsatisfying. Under this stress I simply lock up. I am virtually becoming a shut in, spending at least sixty to seventy percent of my time alone, in my apartment, mostly doing nothing. I of course hate this, but am not really in the right mind to overcome it. The lack of social interaction becomes painfully apparent when I do interact with other people. I find myself overly obnoxious, annoying, and often downright surly. And yet I cannot step in to slow down this horrible momentum.
I have no idea what I am going to do about any of the above, but, to quote The Stranglers, "Something Better Change.".........................
Push Down and Turn
XVX,
Denman
